it's 2018. A whole new year but really, my life is basically the same old same old shit.
You know how I only come to post here where I have those really, really unpleasant days. Today is one of them.
I'm 22 this year. People said, people by the age of 22 should be doing something. I look around and I see my peers achieving something. Am I not trying my best? I feel like I've been making the same effort as those people, but why did my effort always come to no avail? Why do I still be feeling like the same imbecile with nothing to be proud of from 2014? It always ends the same for me, as if life was meant to fail me each time. It hurts because I feel like I've done my best by my end result shows the other way around. Even when I actually did achieve something in my life, I remember feeling unappreciated and as if life itself betrayed me, like it decided to crumple me up and throw me into the bin.
Sumpah. Aku rasa bodoh gila. Probably the most stupidest moment I have ever felt in my whole 22 years of living. I feel like a human trash. Underserving of anything good in life. Then, why am I still breathing? Why am I wasting this space on Earth when there could be another useful person that could contribute more than I could? These thoughts go back and forth in my mind all the time. Maafkan adik, mak and ayah, but sorry to inform you that this daughter of yours is failing miserably despite what I have been appearing to show to you both.
The painful part is I have to show people how these failures do not affect me when it is actually sinking my self-esteem to the very bottom of the rock. It takes every fiber of my being to not shed a tear in front of my friends which is quite humiliating. Because I don't want them to be all sympathetic and go "poor you". If you know me in real life you know what a 'cheerful' person I am. Sorry guys that it turns out everything disappoints me and I hate myself and my life haha suprise! Sorry that I make jokes to cover up my pathetic self but I guess that's just my coping mechanism.
xo.
