-, 23 '19.
Posts are just random sketches of my emotions :)

header (cactus illustration) by lisaglanz

How do I describe this feeling ya? If I could physically explain how I am feeling right now, I'd say it's close to the feeling of having air back into your system once you resurface above the water after diving deep down into the ocean. I could finally say that I am over it. I am done, what happened, happened and I am glad it happened cause the lessons I learned from it has helped me grow better as a human being. I am beyond thankful that the feelings I once had for that person had faded and the chapter to that is firmly closed. May we never cross each other's path again cause I am so tired to even wanna think about that anymore. What's done is done and I am thankful I'd made such decisions before.

For people out there, who are deeply broken inside and disorientated, people, like you and me who can only relate to melodies like this to express their pain. I hope one day, we will find our own happiness in ways that we truly deserve. Till then, cope & seek comfort in this song.

"Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone" — Youth, Daughter.

You see, I am far off from having a lot of friends, and I do appreciate every single one of my 5, 6 friends who kind enough to want to get involved with me. I am thankful for life for what every of them had offered me, let it be help, time, comfort and a supportive friendship. But, it is wrong for me to think of myself first in situations that needed me to? Do they think I make such decisions without taking them into consideration first? If I really am an uptight and selfish person, then why did I have to be stupid enough to want to go through trouble to ask them beforehand or why did I even bother clarifying myself and lower down my ego just so they misunderstand things and feel bad?

I want to continue writing this post, but I'll stop here for now.
Till then.

it's 2018. A whole new year but really, my life is basically the same old same old shit.
You know how I only come to post here where I have those really, really unpleasant days. Today is one of them.

I'm 22 this year. People said, people by the age of 22 should be doing something. I look around and I see my peers achieving something. Am I not trying my best? I feel like I've been making the same effort as those people, but why did my effort always come to no avail? Why do I still be feeling like the same imbecile with nothing to be proud of from 2014? It always ends the same for me, as if life was meant to fail me each time. It hurts because I feel like I've done my best by my end result shows the other way around. Even when I actually did achieve something in my life, I remember feeling unappreciated and as if life itself betrayed me, like it decided to crumple me up and throw me into the bin.

Sumpah. Aku rasa bodoh gila. Probably the most stupidest moment I have ever felt in my whole 22 years of living. I feel like a human trash. Underserving of anything good in life. Then, why am I still breathing? Why am I wasting this space on Earth when there could be another useful person that could contribute more than I could? These thoughts go back and forth in my mind all the time. Maafkan adik, mak and ayah, but sorry to inform you that this daughter of yours is failing miserably despite what I have been appearing to show to you both.

The painful part is I have to show people how these failures do not affect me when it is actually sinking my self-esteem to the very bottom of the rock. It takes every fiber of my being to not shed a tear in front of my friends which is quite humiliating. Because I don't want them to be all sympathetic and go "poor you".  If you know me in real life you know what a 'cheerful' person I am. Sorry guys that it turns out everything disappoints me and I hate myself and my life haha suprise! Sorry that I make jokes to cover up my pathetic self but I guess that's just my coping mechanism.