An 'Izzati' that goes by the name 'Cactea'.
Posts are just random sketches of my emotions :)

header (cactus illustration) by lisaglanz

Friday, 1 June 2018
You see, I am far off from having a lot of friends, and I do appreciate every single one of my 5, 6 friends who kind enough to want to get involved with me. I am thankful for life for what every of them had offered me, let it be help, time, comfort and a supportive friendship. But, it is wrong for me to think of myself first in situations that needed me to? Do they think I make such decisions without taking them into consideration first? If I really am an uptight and selfish person, then why did I have to be stupid enough to want to go through trouble to ask them beforehand or why did I even bother clarifying myself and lower down my ego just so they misunderstand things and feel bad?

I want to continue writing this post, but I'll stop here for now.
Till then.

xo, cactea!

A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage; and then is heard no more.
Sunday, 7 January 2018
it's 2018. A whole new year but really, my life is basically the same old same old shit.
You know how I only come to post here where I have those really, really unpleasant days. Today is one of them.

I'm 22 this year. People said, people by the age of 22 should be doing something. I look around and I see my peers achieving something. Am I not trying my best? I feel like I've been making the same effort as those people, but why did my effort always come to no avail? Why do I still be feeling like the same imbecile with nothing to be proud of from 2014? It always ends the same for me, as if life was meant to fail me each time. It hurts because I feel like I've done my best by my end result shows the other way around. Even when I actually did achieve something in my life, I remember feeling unappreciated and as if life itself betrayed me, like it decided to crumple me up and throw me into the bin.

Sumpah. Aku rasa bodoh gila. Probably the most stupidest moment I have ever felt in my whole 22 years of living. I feel like a human trash. Underserving of anything good in life. Then, why am I still breathing? Why am I wasting this space on Earth when there could be another useful person that could contribute more than I could? These thoughts go back and forth in my mind all the time. Maafkan adik, mak and ayah, but sorry to inform you that this daughter of yours is failing miserably despite what I have been appearing to show to you both.

The painful part is I have to show people how these failures do not affect me when it is actually sinking my self-esteem to the very bottom of the rock. It takes every fiber of my being to not shed a tear in front of my friends which is quite humiliating. Because I don't want them to be all sympathetic and go "poor you".  If you know me in real life you know what a 'cheerful' person I am. Sorry guys that it turns out everything disappoints me and I hate myself and my life haha suprise! Sorry that I make jokes to cover up my pathetic self but I guess that's just my coping mechanism.

xo, cactea!

Monday, 28 August 2017
Hello and hi.
Okay this is awkward. I haven't been posting anything since last year and to actually put my thoughts into words again on here makes me feel pretty weird haha. Honestly I am always here, and not updating my blog was not intentional, but somehow every time I clicked that 'new post' button, my mind just went blank and my fingers became stiff. So I always just ended up clicking the 'x' button instead.

Anyway, enough unnecessary self-explanation, let's just get to what I'm tryna say here okay?

These few days, I have come to realise one important life lesson. When a person does not seem to care about you, then there's no reasons for you to be in his/her life. I learned it, and I learned it the hard way. I guess all this while I was blinded by my own excitement that when I ran out of energy to feel as excited, I started to notice those who aren't there. Although, I feel petty at times for wanting attention like a 5 year old kid but having some friends that actually care about you would have been nice don't you think?

Also, is wanting people to make the same effort to be in your life as what you do is that demanding? It's painful when they treat you like your feelings don't matter.

It seems like I do not bring any significant impact on some people's life, that it does not matter whether I'm there or not. But it's okay, I too, had enough of taking care feelings of those who won't make effort to stay in my life.

xo, cactea!

Friday, 16 December 2016
hi, hi, hi!
I don't know why suddenly I get the urge to write a post tonite but hey why not /shrugs/
So I scrolled through my past posts and realised that almost all of em make me seem depressed and sober in real life. haha trust me, I actually laugh like a LOT if you know me personally. I love laughing over silly things or simply, I am easily amused. But yeah, this blog is definitely my place where I come whenever I am feeling down and sad. But this time, it's different, I come here because I wanna talk about recent beautiful memories that I've got to make :)

Okay, enough with the clarification. So, it's December, my favourite month is finally here (though we're halfway thru it lol) and oh! another important fact; it's my sem break! At last, after all those awful things I'd gone through the sem, it is now over! Seriously, I had never felt so dispirited and unmotivated due to some troubles that I was forced to face. Not gonna describe the details (because I might cry if I were to recall the shitty moments) let's just say that it was rough as it can be.

Oh my god, again, I got lost from what I'm actually trying to write. haha, Okay here it goes. So, last week I went to KL to attend my cousin's wedding and MasyaAllah, spending time with the big familia there was truly a priceless luxury moments that I will always cherish and treasure especially in my old days. I was truly happy, genuinely happy. No pretentious laughs like I did for the past 6 months. I guess being with the family brings the best of me. I was a bit struck, knowing that I can still laugh till my stomach hurts and my eyes become teary. Being with them, I realised that I am myself again, comfortable in my own skin. While typing all this, I am smiling, remembering all those moments. We spent quality time together there, we made silly jokes, we told each other secrets that we did not know before. Little things like that, blissful I swear. I cried a little when I was in the bus, on my way back to Perlis. Quickly I reassured myself that times like those will occur again, and that is when we get to meet again in the future! Holidays, please come faster!

p/s: I wanna put up pictures of the trip but I'm too lazy to transfer em from my phone to my laptop, so probably next time when I am feeling less lazy?

xo, cactea!

Sunday, 16 October 2016
Nothing really sparks the fire in my eyes these days. Not even my favourite songs nor my favourite weather. My life has become a continuous cycle of mundane routines that I cannot escape. For each and every passing second, only unreachable daydreams filling in the gaps in my mind just so the day will move along, to get to where they called as "tomorrow". False hopes keep on building, anticipating things has become a habit. Questions rise out of nowhere.."What if, just what if...something exciting will happen today?"..."What if someone decides to walk in my life and change everything?..."What life takes a twist and I will never be this dull again?"


The frame of reality stands still, unbothered,
Slowly, the icy surface of fantasy is cracked and shattered,
No, no..this can't be it.


Reality breaks through. Leaving me floating around with nowhere to go. And then I seem to realise..that this is also one of those unrealistic fantasies that just won't go away....
Just when..when will this come to an end? Can you answer it for me?

xo, cactea!

It's okay.
Tuesday, 7 June 2016
And again, I'm all alone.
Again, I have no one for me to rely on anymore.
Not exactly anyone's fault. Things bound to happen--no, it is MEANT to happen. I saw it coming, but did not expect the impact would be this unbearable. But....I really do not expect anyone to understand my current situation. Well, long-short story, I did reality check and the taste of it got to me. Convincing myself, that time will help me get through it, that time will heal everything (as cliche as it sounds, there's a truth in it though).

I really thought that I was happy. But..there's always a little sadness, an uneasy feeling that chains me up. I..hate this feeling. Sometimes, it makes me think selfish thoughts, it makes me feel reckless in thanking Allah for all the blessing that He had given to me. Whenever I see someone is happy, I think to myself, "I wonder when is my turn to be happy like that?" which is really, really wrong as a Muslim to be questioning Allah's plan.

But, I know, He has a better plan for me, He will give me what I need instead of what I want. Someday...I will be able to smile sincerely because I want to, not because I have to. And when that time comes, I will not feel the need to have someone to love and rely on, because I know love for Allah is enough for me. HE is my elixir. And for now, it is the matter of time and my effort as a Muslim to be a better me. I know Allah will guide me...

xo, cactea!

Monday, 18 April 2016
Di saat begini aku tak kuat. Allah..tolong.

xo, cactea!

She is a Capricorn
Sunday, 3 April 2016

xo, cactea!

Below those fluffly clouds
Thursday, 31 March 2016

Sugar coated words are truth in denial,
Making lies has been a constant cycle, 
Fake promises used to hold your rivals,
Separating love from your very vital.


What might seem so simple, 
Could be the one that triggers you to be evil,
What appears to be very little,
Could be the one that turns you into a devil.

xo, cactea!